How we treat women in our day to day interactions continues to confound men. What used to be simply good manners in our social behavior with women has been labeled by many in the feminist movement as benevolent sexism. Meaning something as casual as holding a door open for a women or making sure she gets home safely after a date, although well meaning, is inherently sexist – hence benevolent sexism. I guess offering to carry a package or following the maritime regulation that women and children should be evacuated first in a disaster at sea are further examples of benevolent sexism. A recent comment on a website succinctly summarizes the dilemma. “A man who seeks to cherish, adore, love, and protect his female companion is apparently a sexist pig.”
The problem is that there is ample evidence that a majority of women are covertly or unconsciously attracted to the benevolent sexist male. Consider the fact that 42% of women ( 52% of white women) voted for Donald Trump despite the clear evidence that at best he is a classic male chauvinist. Romance novels, which are read almost entirely by women, present their male heroes as starting off gruff, rude, arrogant, and cold, but with fantastic looks. In the middle of the book, the hero tries to prove that he’s good enough for her, and that he’s changed to meet her criteria. Something happens by the end of the 180 or so pages, and he turns into a man who wants to settle down and have a few children in a monogamous relationship. He’s happy to be loyal and adore the heroine for the rest of their lives. A tough recipe for a guy to follow. Start out as a bad boy but be sensitive enough to modify your behavior to demonstrate your commitment to her and your ability to provide and care for your offspring.
Generally speaking research has revealed that most women are attracted to strong, healthy, physically fit specimens who project confidence and are more likely to succeed in surviving, reproducing, and prospering in any society. Perhaps for this reason many women still prefer if the man pays the expenses of a date. In our society, this is a sign of having disposable income and being generous enough to dispose of it. Women have rated men higher who take heroic and sometimes primal risks. Furthermore, many studies demonstrate that women prefer men who have the size and strength to protect them and whose financial resources and character offer the promise of good parenting. An evolutionary approach would suggest that women might even consider risk taking as an advantageous trait in a male that can better protect her from adversity.
A recent story widely circulated in the news described a man coming to the rescue of a women who was shamed by a seatmate on an aircraft. Her seatmate texted to a friend that he was sitting next to a “smelly, fatty.” The women saw the text and was so shamed that she started to cry. A guy sitting behind the women also saw the text and heard the women sobbing. He got up and told the texter to change seats and admonished him for being so cruel and insensitive. A classic example of a heroic man coming to the rescue of a women in distress. Is this an example of benevolent sexism? Would a female passenger have acted the same way as the hero in this story?
It appears that there is a discrepancy between the espoused desire by women for gender neutrality in their interactions with men- devaluing stereotypical male protective and chivalrous behaviors – with an unconscious or covert attraction and appreciation of those very same behaviors. No wonder so many men are struggling.
The gender equality discussion which has again risen to prominence as a result of “Me To” has also prompted a re-visit of the notion that men are boxed in by stereotypical notions of what it is to be a real man. According to some masculinity writers the “Man Box” is a set of rigid expectations that define what a “real man” is. A real man is most importantly strong and stoic. He doesn’t show emotions other than anger and excitement. He is a breadwinner. He plays or watches sports. He is the dominant participant in every exchange. He is a man’s man. This “real man” represents what is supposedly normative and acceptable within the tightly controlled performance of American male masculinity. He has dominated our movies and television. He defines what we expect from our political leaders.. He is our symbol for what is admirable and honorable in American men..
My question is,” Is this all bad?” To begin with we all need boxes -more formally role expectations. These are shaped both by biology and culture and give us a structure to help us define ourselves. Clearly it is important that these expectations are not overly rigid and do provide some room for re-definition. However, it is a mistake for a man to pretend to discard the Man Box leaving him with no sense of what it is to be a man. Instead we need to redefine not abandon the notion of the Man Box.
The rubric that real men don’t show emotions – real men don’t cry – misses an important distinction between feeling emotions and how we express those emotions. Are strength and stoicism negative characteristics? The first thing to get out of the way is the misconception that stoicism is about suppressing one’s emotions and going through life with a stiff upper lip. Rather, stoics are taught to transform emotions in order to achieve inner calm. Emotions – of fear, or anger, or love – are instinctive human reactions to certain situations, and cannot be avoided. But the reflective mind can distance itself from the raw emotion and contemplate whether the emotion in question should be absorbed and cultivated. What does this look like? Basically it is keeping one’s cool in order to respond to a situation in the most thoughtful way despite what one is feeling. I don’t think it much of a stretch to imagine a situation where a man is feeling fear or extreme sadness but chooses to not share the feeling in order to protect his family and take necessary action.
It would be helpful for both men and women to look at the Man Box with a more discerning perspective instead of simply accepting the simplistic narrative that the concept of a real men is an artifact of an earlier age.
The other day I was watching the Ali Velshi & Stephanie Ruble show on MSNBC. As Ali was explaining some point he misspoke and mangled a few words. Ali, a seasoned journalist, was taken aback by his mistake and clearly embarrassed. Stephanie, quite spontaneously without consent, gave Ali a quick hug to let him know that his stumbling over a few words was no big deal. It was a natural gesture and to me exemplified a close working relationship between the two reporters. There was nothing remotely sexual about the encounter and it demonstrated a moment of intimacy that was generous and purely platonic.
However, what came to mind is what would the reaction have been if the situation were reversed. Let’s say Stephanie had misspoke and Ali was the one giving the hug without permission. I truly feel that it would have unleashed an unrelenting media backlash. I can easily imagine the image of the hug going viral coupled with a “Me-To” diatribe against another sexual predator – Ali Velshi. His actions would be labeled as a further example of men, especially in positions of power, dominating and patronizing women. MSNBC, a progressively slanted station, would be receiving countless emails and tweets demanding that Ali be fired from the network for his thoughtless and biased behavior.
What comes to mind is how much our increasingly myopic perceptions of male-female interaction has missed our common humanity. Men and women can comfort and relate to each other with a spontaneous touch that has nothing to do with gender inequality. Rational dialogue about gender issues requires understanding context, nuance and a rejection of instant over reaction. There are clearly instances of sexual misconduct that require immediate condemnation but let’s make sure that we don’t continually rush to judgment. Rather, we need to take a pause to be certain that we got it right and fully understand the circumstances of the alleged misbehavior.
Featured on Sunday’s front page of the New York Times is an article describing the gender neutral policies being followed by pre-schools in Sweden. Even though we don’t live in Sweden the extreme practices mandated reflect the growing ideology that equates gender equality with gender neutrality. The logic seems to be that the only way to make sure women are not discriminated against and subject to domination by the so called patriarchy is to eliminate gender identity. The schools have eliminated gender personal pronouns, frown on their perception of gender specific clothing and try to teach girls to scream and boys to be more gentle. They proudly call their agenda social engineering designed to forge a gender neutral world.
Two crucial elements are missing from this approach.. First, let’s be clear. As succinctly articulated by Dr. David Reich, professor of genetics at Harvard University, “Most everyone accepts that the biological differences between males and females are profound. In addition to anatomical differences men and women exhibit average differences in size and physical strength.” He also notes that there are average differences in temperament and behavior between the genders but the degree it impacts behavior is still subject to some debate despite the fiact that most adults report that men and women on average do differ in various aspects of communication and behavior.
My other concern is that the youngsters who are programmed not to recognize gender differences are part of a culture, even in Sweden, with many markers of gender differences. How are they going to develop a sense of self that it is in sharp contrast to the existing cultural norms about gender. Both in the media and in everyday life men still dress and behave as men and women dress and behave as women. Why is it so difficult to imagine a world where women have equal opportunity in their careers, equal pay for equal work and are free from sexual harassment and still feel comfortable wearing makeup, dressing up when they see fit and being respected for their gender specific energy that they bring to society. Conversely, men can feel comfortable in their masculinity and the gender specific energy that that brings to society while respecting women and making sure they are afforded equal rights. Again I wait for an answer to my fundamental question: Why must we equate gender equality with gender neutrality?
No reasonalble individual could argue against the goals of the “Time Is Up” and “Me-To” movements or the overall on-going feminist campaign for gender equality. However, a certain amount of caution is needed to temper some of the more strident voices championing women’s rights. For example, a recent critique of the Oscars stated that just six women won awards this year compared with 33 men – the lowest number of female winners since 2012. The implication of this report coupled with the rhetoric of some of the Oscar winners and presenters is that women are not getting an equal opportunity to excel in the movie industry. I am not in a position to comment on the validity of that conclusion but what I do fear is a knee jerk remedy that measures equal opportunity by simply looking at percentages. In other words a quota system. Since only 18 percent of this year’s Oscar winners were female and females make up about 50 percent of the population should the movie industry be judged on its mission of equal opportunity next year on how close they come to 16.5 female winners? The problem, as it is with the worst aspects of affirmative action, is that less qualified individuals will be chosen in order to reach the 50 percent quota. Will a highly talented male director be left out of the winner’s circle because the academy voters feel obligated to find a female director with less chops so that the image of equal opportunity will be reinforced?
My concern about quotas was further reinforced by stories in the media offering statistics about women not occupying the top positions of power in politics and corporate America despite exceeding male enrollments in undergraduate and graduate university programs. Again, without looking at this data in an informed matter the numbers alone might lead to erroneous conclusions. If I remember correctly last November a women ran for president and actually won the popular vote. Over 30 years ago Geraldine Ferraro – a former congresswomen and UN ambassador – was on the Democratic ticket for vice-president. A women is minority speaker in the House of Representatives and a women was just nominated to head the CIA. Are there reasons other than gender bias that have kept more women from top management positions in Fortune 500 companies? Is it possible that many smart and capable women have chosen to lead a more balanced life than is required to climb the corporate ladder all the way to the top? Do women dominate teaching and social work positions solely because they can’t work anywhere else or is this a conscious choice that is more aligned with their personal journeys? Another example of changing gender occupational preferences can be found in the mental health field. In 1970, women made up just over 20 percent of PhD recipients in psychology, according to the National Research Council. In 2005 nearly 72 percent of new PhD and PsyDs entering psychology were women, according to APA’s Center for Psychology Workforce Analysis and Research. As of 2013 the percentage of female active psychologists in the workforce increased to 68.3 percent).
My take away is that numbers alone do not tell the whole story. Gender equality is not the same as gender neutrality. The advocates of gender neutrality would have you believe that the fact that women do not make up 50% of all occupations is due to patriarchy and gender discrimination. This opens the door for a benchmark of gender equality based solely on percentages. The issue is far more complex and if we are ready to hold a conversation about discrimination and equality that is not based on the evils of masculine dominance we need to tone down the rhetoric and look at gender issues in a rational and nuanced fashion .
The news cycle is dominated by stories of bad behavior by men. The “Me -Too” movement has exposed countless examples of sexual abuse and harassment by men especially by men in powerful positions. It has galvanized women to become more involved in politics and to add new energy to gender equality issues – equal pay, paid maternity leave, etc.. The call to finally put an end to male supremacy in all walks of life is again at the forefront of the feminist agenda. Nothing mentioned should be opposed by thoughtful men who respect the best of their masculinity However, there seems to be unintended consequences.. According to the LA Times, only about half of all boys expect to work in well-paid professional jobs when they grow up, compared to nearly three quarters of girls. In other words, we’re somehow teaching young boys that either learning is ‘girl’s stuff’, or that there’s no point in being aspirational.
There appears to be an enormous disconnect between the beliefs and behavior of adult men – the patriarchy – with the beliefs of boys. Yes, a small percentage of men have looked to the retrograde “manosphere” to reinforce their attitudes about male supremacy. On the other hand, the vast majority of adult men, without feeling overly defensive about their masculinity, have rallied to support gender equality and championed the end of sexual abuse not only in the workplace but in all aspects of society. But what about our boys? Does the data reported in the LA Times suggest that many boys have simply given up and see manhood as being subjugated by matriarchy? What will the result be if boys have given up? One could easily make the argument that the school shooters are non-aspirational lost boys who have channeled their powerlessness into pointless violent acts. If we ignore our lost boys we not only increase the risk of violent acts but lose the potential that these boys can contribute to our society. Educators and parents need to make sure that we are not losing our boys and find ways to help them take pride in their gender that is not based on the diminishment of women.
Hopefully we can expand the conversation about male dominance and gender equality to include the impact on those men young and old who are struggling to recalibrate their attitudes about their masculinity. Girls are rightfully being given the message that they can achieve their fullest potential without fear of sexual abuse and gender discrimination. What message are we giving our boys?
Recently a Meet Up invitation arrived in my mailbox with just one word as a descriptor – Fight Club. Intrigued, I wondered if this was just a direct reference to the 1999 movie Fight Club or was this a symbolic invitation to join the hyper masculine “manosphere.” After further research I came across two other online communities who also worship the gospel of Fight Club. The Red Pill, which describes itself as a place for “discussion of sexual strategy in a culture lacking a positive identity for men,” and the more hard line group Men Going Their Own Way(MGTOW), which refuses to engage in any relationship with women whatsoever. Members from both groups see Fight Club as a story of redemption, the tale of a beta male achieving his true alpha potential. The manosphere’s affinity for Fight Club stems from a common central, biologically deterministic claim: ” Men are naturally predisposed to being violent, dominant hunter gatherers, who, having found themselves domesticated by modern civilization, are now in a state of crisis”.
My sense is that increased attention to the “manosphere” is a result of the perception that the “Me Too” movement is an attack on men and masculinity. Men are on the defensive and many feel they have to apologize not so much for their own behavior but for the gender in general. My concern is that the unintended consequence of “Me Too” will push more men into to seek refuge in the manosphere which will only bring more polarization and less of the constructive dialogue that is desperately needed to restore common sense in the workplace. It is crucial that the same mistakes made by many of the diversity programs adopted by corporate America will not be repeated by sexual harassment programs. The data suggests that overly prescriptive trainings focusing on do’s and dont’s have actually impeded workplace diversity. Introspection and constructive dialogue between men and women in the work environment is needed and will only happen if we lower the temperature of the most strident voices and avoid the inevitable gender wars with casualties on both sides.
The fallout from the sexual predator scandals continues – as it should – but it has also given voice to what I characterize as an assault on masculinity. Gillian Flynn writing in Time Magazine in a piece entitled “On Men” wrote “They (men) hate us … They don’t care about us enough to hate us. We are simply a form of livestock.” She goes on to say, “Threats to women abound. We are underrepresented everywhere, underpaid by everyone and underestimated all over. We are not the People; we are subjects of the Patriarchy.” Faith Salie, also writing in Time magazine, indicated her pleasure that her husband did not call their new born son “buddy” or “little man” rather referring to him as “Hi, sweet pea.” Salie stated that she wants to raise a sweet son so that he will not become an angry man.
If these two women who were given the platform of a major mainstream magazine to voice their opinions on gender truly represent the thinking of a majority of women men are clearly under siege. To begin with, they ignore the data that demonstrates how young women and girls are doing a heck of a lot better than their male counterparts. More women than men are entering college. Women now make up a majority of law students and almost equal the number of men accepted to medical school. Boys are far more likely to drop out of high school, commit crimes and generally underperform academically compared to girls. It certainly appears that the era of patriarchy is quickly evaporating for boys and millennials.
The quote that men see women as a form of livestock is particularly confusing and raises a myriad of questions regarding the way men and women relate to each other. Being attractive to the opposite sex is a biological imperative embedded in our DNA. Women and men are instinctively seeking the partner that will perpetuate their genes and protect their offspring. Isn’t that the reason why women wear perfume, use make up and consciously choose clothing that is most flattering? Despite the first generation feminists who burned their bras and forsook cosmetics the beauty and lingerie industries have continued to thrive. Men, in addition to desiring to be physically attractive also strive to compete both financially and athletically in order to demonstrate their superiority as potential mates. I recognize that we are not entirely driven by evolutionary imperatives but we are foolish if we discount the power of our biology.
The real question is how do men and women negotiate their instinct driven sexuality in the workplace? I will avoid simplistic solutions such as turning men into Salie’s sweet peas or wholesome condemnation of men as mere predators. To begin with, there is no shortage of exposure to sexually infused imagery in popular culture. Scantily clad twerking dancers and cheer leaders, string bikinis and Victoria Secret bra ads on prime time television all highlight women as sex objects. Women willingly participate in the process and keep plastic surgeons wealthy. Although some feminists advocate women asking men out on dates, I think in most cases it is still the male who responds to what is perceived as flirtation which leads to initiating a request for a date or romantic encounter. These are just some of the realities that exist between men and women as they relate to each other.
It should also be noted that power discrepancies at work are not just gender based. Men often have to put up with demands of overbearing bosses in order to advance their careers. Unwanted golf outings, boring dinners and laughing at bad jokes are just a few examples of what men have to tolerate in order to succeed. Granted, having to have sex with a boss is far more onerous but we can’t discount the fact that power relationships at work exist for both sexes.
My conclusion is that harsh rhetoric and wholesale condemnation of men will only lead to more confusion and a lack of understanding of how to behave appropriately in the workplace. I feel that in closing I must clearly state that sexual harassment and abuse as defined by law (see earlier blogs for definition) are entirely unacceptable and should hold individuals who are offenders accountable. The core issue is recognizing how men and women relate to each other and re-negotiating how we manage our biological differences that enhances the value of both men and women.
A recent article in my local paper reported that male state legislators are refusing to meet with female lobbyists unless another individual is present for fear of being accused of sexual harassment. If this is any indication of what is happening in the workplace as a result of the spate of abusers being outted by the “me too” movement it is obvious that we need some new rules on how men and women interact at work beyond the obvious legal definitions of sexual harassment and hostile work environments. It appears that managers of profit and non-profit organizations are responding by increasing their sexual harassment training programs – a financial windfall for management consultants. My sense is that these trainings will be insufficient in solving the problem so I have a different remedy.
Female employees should be given a questionnaire to complete with the following items about male behavior in the workplace:
(Please check one or more answers for each question)
- Men are able to comment on my appearance
_____ never _____ clothing only ______ at times if I am wearing my OK to comment button
- When I am called into my male bosses office
_____ the door stays open ____ another colleague is present ______ he remains at least 2 feet from my chair ______ the meeting is recorded _____ all of the above
- I am open to a request for a date from a male colleague of equal status in the company
____ never _____ depends on whether he is single ____ when I am in the mood (red pin day)
- If my boss suggests we have an afterhours dinner or drinks meeting I will
____ turn him down _____ accept only if I can pick the location ______ make sure another colleague is also there ______ go for it and take my chances
- If a male colleague or boss offers to tell me a joke I will
____ say no thanks ____ ask him if it is sexual and then decide ____ offer to tell him myjoke instead ____ listen and tell him it was not funny or gross
————————————————————————————–After completing the questionnaire the female employee will be issued a badge that is color coded as to her preferences. In turn all male employees (including bosses) will be given instructions on how to interpret the color codes on the badges of the female staff. Any violations of the protocol will be made to HR and the transgressor will have to attend a mandatory training workshop.
It should be obvious that my suggestion is being offered with my tongue firmly in my cheek. However, the underlying message is that we have reached a point of utter confusion as to how men and women should relate to each other in the workplace and that maybe a little bit of humor and common sense can ease the tension between the sexes.
It feels like all out warfare on masculinity. Weinstein, Spacey, Moore, Franken, Rose, Conyers and whomever else will be outted as a sexual predator in the coming days are dominating the news cycle. Women in droves are recalling incidents of sexual harassment in the workplace. What conclusions can we draw? Are most men abusers or a hair trigger away from mistreating women or are we talking about a basket of deplorables? I would like to think, based on my own life experiences, that men who use their positions of power over women and believe that this gives them license to be abusers on some level are in the minority. I have worked as a boss in small and large organizations where many of the employees were women and I can recall only one instance where I had to investigate an incident of sexual harassment nor was any complaint ever made against me for improper behavior towards any of my female subordinates. I have met hundreds of men facilitating men’s groups and never came in contact with a man who was either accused of sexual assault or who bragged about exploiting women in the workplace. On the other hand I do remember that my first boss, a school principal, was notorious in attempting to solicit sexual favors from the women on staff.
The reaction by so many women to the sexual abuses scandals can’t be dismissed. In earlier blogs I did call attention to the issue of defining sexual harassment. As in criminal law, some offenses are misdemeanors and some are felonies. We need to make sure that we are using a similar standard when discussing sexual conduct. An off color joke or improper remark is not the same as groping or explicitly requiring sex for continuing employment or promotion. What’s next?
The female talking heads in the media need to bring more nuance to the discussion and treat the minor harassment issues as more of a cultural issue than a criminal issue. No problem with aggressively pursuing the true predators and making sure they receive the full punishment proscribed in the law. However, if we are going to have a shift in workplace culture, give the majority of men who are thoughtful and willing to look at their own behavior the opportunity to participate in the change process without condemning them as actual or potential abusers.