There was a small really disturbing article in the New York Times, Sunday magazine section entitled “Computer Love” by Hope Reeves.. She described a new app called BroApp which allows guys to outsource their digital affections by sending automated texts to needy girlfriends. Guys pick the messages, days and times, and the app does the rest. She goes on to indicate that the app even has a “girlfriend safety lockdown,” which sends prying eyes to a list of gifts you were allegedly planning to buy her. This is intended to mitigate any resentment of BroApp usage and she will think that the user is the best boyfriend. Not sure if this story was tongue in cheek I googled BRoApp and found that it really exists. Their website tag line is, “message your girlfriend sweet things so that you can spend more time with the Bros”.
Let me explain why I was upset. For the record I have no qualms with an appeal to the lover archetype of masculinity. As men, our lover reflects a man’s ability to be compassionate, sexual and to connect with others – men and women – in relationship. The reality is that we can have our lover operate in the light of in the shadow. Using artificial means like BroApp is a manipulative and insincere approach to growing a relationship with a woman and is certainly our lover acting in the shadow. The other aspect that bothered me was the reinforcement of the stereotype that real men do not want to spend the time on communicating affection but would prefer to use that time hanging with the Bros. This message only serves to diminish the importance of the lover in our lives and limits our ability to be fully connected with friends, family and lovers. The best of masculinity is to embrace our lover in the light and learn to communicate in relationship with honesty and compassion.
A number of years ago there was a problem with the elephant herds on a game preserve in Africa. Because they were protected, the herds were growing to such a size that they were destroying the countryside and even farm crops in a search for food. The local experts decided that the way to control the size of the herds was to “cull” them; to kill the adult bull elephants so that they could not breed.
Elephant herds are matriarchal in nature, in other words the female and young elephants live in a herd under the leadership of the dominant female. Older males live by themselves until it is time to breed. When male elephants are born they live with the herd for protection until they are teenagers, at which time the dominant female kicks them out of the herd so they are not “bothering” the females. Typically, these young males then find an adult bull elephant to live with and learn how a male elephant lives life. Unfortunately, they had killed off all the adult bull elephants. So, much like young males in our culture, with no male role models to teach them, these young pachyderms starting hanging around with each other and eventually formed a “gang” of teenage bull elephants. The results were similar to untrained and unrestrained young males in our culture in that the gang of teenage bull elephants started destroying crops, villages, even killing people.
A group of experts were called in and tried a variety of solutions with no success. Eventually someone suggested asking an old African chief what to do. He said, “Find an old bull elephant.” And so they found an old, old bull elephant and air lifted him by helicopter into the bush where they had last seen the gang of teenagers. He walked off and they did not see him for several weeks. One day, he came slowly walking out of the bush, and right behind him in single file were all the teenage bull elephants. They never had a problem with this herd again. Not because the old male was tough enough to fight the young males, but merely his presence as an older male taught them how a male lives life.
In light of the recent senseless shootings in our country, I couldn’t help but notice that so far there has not been any mention of a father for the Oregon or Connecticut shooters. In the vast majority of these tragedies the young man’s relationship with his father was non-existent or strained at best. It was seldom one of a guiding, loving, protective nature.
As my wise young friend Justin Farrell remarked, “Perhaps we don’t need more gun laws. Perhaps we need more elephants.”
(Rick Johnson – Patheos.com)
When I saw an article “Save Face” in a recent edition of the magazine Men’s Journal reviewing men’s skin-care productI was frankly astounded. Are men really willing to spend anywhere from $36 to $289 for a tiny bottle of a product that allegedly would help fight age- related damage? Apparently, contrary to my old school sensibilities, there is a sufficient market for these companies to advertise and sell their vanity promoting products. Besides my personal views on the superficial aspects of manliness – real men aren’t overly concerned with appearance – is there a more important message about masculinity that these types of products represent? I think it does reflect an overall obsession by both men and women not to look old. What has changed is how much this fear of appearing old has grown among men. The feminist movement attempted to reduce women’s fixation on superficial appearance and probably reduced young women’s need to apply makeup. Yet it seems that men are willing to step up and fill the demand gap by their purchasing of cosmetic and grooming stuff. I find this trajectory disheartening. Over valuing superficial attributes- hard bodies, perfect skin, etc., – diminishes the importance of character, values and compassion in how we think of ourselves. An unhealthy shift that has been a long standing issue for women and now increasingly for men.
I was re-watching the television series “Breaking Bad” and my attention was grabbed by an interchange between the main protagonist – Walter White – and his drug distributor Gus. Walt was telling Gus that he no longer wanted to manufacture meth because of the negative impact on his relationship with his wife. Gus responded with the argument that the role of a man was to provide even if there were consequences and that a man must step up and do whatever is needed to promote the financial well being of his family. This appeal to Walt worked and he relented and agreed to resume cooking meth. The concept of men as providers as an essential part of the male code and has been challenged by the success of women in the workforce. There are growing numbers of households where the wife out earns the husband or the husband is the stay at home parent while the wife is the primary bread winner. In my view there is nothing inherently wrong with these changes in our society. However, men who see being a provider as an essential part of their masculine identity experience these changes as a loss of their manhood with the resulting consequences of increases in depression, domestic violence and substance abuse. We cannot change a man’s need to provide but we must help redefine the concept of being a provider so that it is not entirely based on a man’s income.
Although not specifically a father’s day issue, how men are portrayed in the media does have a direct input on the value of men as fathers. A recent commercial for paint really got my goat. The first image was a women in a business suit sitting on a hotel bed “skyping” with her husband and children on her laptop. The husband, presumably the children’s father, is shown in a tight shot with three children sitting in a kitchen. She asks if everything is OK at home. He answers that everything is under control. The next scene is an expanded view of the kitchen totally trashed with all sorts of writing and drawing on the walls. Of course the mother does not see this on her computer. The narrator then pipes in that it is a good thing they used a particular brand of paint in the house so that these walls can be cleaned before the mother returns from her business trip. I guess the paint company wants us to identify with the helpless Dad who cannot manage his children and allowed them to scribble all over the household walls. I feel certain that the advertising agency which came up with this commercial thought it was humorous and reflected what they think is only a mild exaggeration of fathers who are unable to parent their children. I find the underlying message to be offensive to all fathers who quite capably parent their children whether or not their wive’s are present. In my opinion this advertisement is just one more example of how men are identified in the media as being inept needing advice and approval from a women in order to respond to life’s challenges. Without their guidance, guys are just screw ups who avoid meeting responsibilities – especially those dealing with family business.
There is strong data that suggests that father’s play a crucial role in helping adolescent boys manage their aggression and risk taking behaviors. Aggression, a component of the Warrior archetype, can be expressed either in the shadow or the light. Shadow behaviors include violence, bullying and physical coercion. In the light, the warrior is protective, assertive and bold. Fathers through appropriate modeling and teaching provide adolescent boys with a road map for handling their surging hormones. Boys who are poorly fathered are far more likely to join gangs, drop out of school and wind up in the juvenile justice system. Even in the animal kingdom we can observe the impact of fathering. Researchers report that rogue adolescent elephants who destroy property and threaten villages usually come from herds without an older male elephant in proximity.
With Father’s Day fast approaching – hard to miss with all the ads for dad’s gifts – each day leading up to father’s day I will offer a reason fathers are important. With the growing number of children raised in homes without their biological father it is essential that we are reminded that men have a significant role in raising well adjusted productive children.
Father’s play with their children tends to be more physical which promotes confidence in taking physical risks and self confidence.
A must read article in Scientific America Mind (May/June 2014) by Paul Raeburn provides hard data on the influence of fathers on their teenagers. One such finding, “researchers have revealed a robust association between father absence – both physical and psychological – and accelerated reproductive development and sexual risk-taking in daughters” reinforces the notion that having a Dad involved in a daughter’s life is essential for their having a balanced and mature attitude about their sexuality. Girls who grew up with a high-quality father- who spent more time as a high investing father – showed the lowest level of risky sexual behavior. There is more good stuff in the article and it also discusses Dad’s and sons. The takeaway is that we have undervalued the role of father’s in our children’s development and if there is a single mom raising kids they must find others that can help fill the role of the absent father.
It is not surprising that men are uncertain about what masculinity is all about when they are exposed to so many mixed messages. On one extreme we are told that gender neutrality is the marching order of the day and that society would be better off if men would develop their feminine side – whatever that means. On the other hand we are getting messages in advertising and other media about expressing manliness in the stereotypical characteristics of manliness that are totally out of sync. with societal norms and expectations. A recent ad for a watch in a popular car magazine -whose primary demographic is probably men- with the headline, “How to Tell Time Like a Man” used the following verbiage to describe their watch. “Your watch…..It should look like a power tool and not a piece of bling. Wearing it shouldn’t make you think twice about swinging a hammer or changing a tire. A real man’s timepiece needs to be ready for anything.” The ad goes on, “call me old fashioned , but I want my boots to be leather, my tires to be deep tread monsters, and my steak thick and rare. Inspiration for a man’s watch should come from things like fast cars, firefighters and power tools. And if you want to talk beauty, then let’s discuss a 428 cubic inch V8.”
This ad is not a parody or tongue in cheek. The company that placed is convinced that the descriptors of masculinity that they used to entice men to buy this watch will resonate with men. No wonder we are confused about our manliness. After all, the reality is that is often difficult while wearing our leather boots to change a diaper and swing a power tool at the same time.
To see into the future, look at 8th grade. If an 8th grader gets As and Bs in school that student will likely earn a college degree. If that same student gets only Bs and Cs college completion is unlikely. That is one of the stunning conclusions from authors Thoma DiPrete and Claudia Buchmann in their report on gender mobility, and college attainment. The implication of their findings are astonishing when correlated with the data that girls do better than boys in school by 8th grade and continue to widen their lead over boys in educational success. Over a life time recent data reveals that a college graduate will earn over $800,000 more than a high school graduate. The educational gender gap suggests that women may become the primary drivers of the US economy. What are the implications for defining one’s masculinity if this prediction becomes reality?