An issue that often comes up about men is how do they handle their emotions. A recent story on MSN about the characteristics of manliness mentions emotional restraint as an example. However, in their explanation they equate restraint with stuffing or t denial of an emotional life. This is an outdated stereotype about men in today’s society. We now see many men including athletes, politicians and celebrities shed tears and respond to questions about their feelings.
Emotional restraint is awareness of one’s emotional life coupled with making a decision about expressing emotions. There are times when a man needs to hold back on an emotional response because it would interfere with his role protecting his family. This doesn’t mean that he is avoiding emotion and not acknowledging its power. Instead he is choosing the best time to deal with that emotion. An example might be helpful. Imagine a family finding that their dog of many years has died. The children are distraught and crying. The dad is also upset but realizes that his children need to hear a calm voice expressing the love they all had for their dog and how much joy he brought to their lives. Later on, while sitting at his laptop the dad brings up a picture of the dog and starts to cry over the loss. He did not “stuff” his feelings but deferred them till he could express them without causing distress to his children.
I do acknowledge that some men, especially those of the boomer and pre-boomer years do avoid exploring their emotional lives and fall victim to depression, suicide and substance abuse. However, with the emphasis on mental health in the media and the examples being set by men in the media, ignoring the impact of negative emotions will become less of an issue.