As promised in my last blog I will attempt to answer the questions raised about fathering. The first question, “What is the connection between fathering and positive masculinity?” has a straight forward answer. Being a good, responsible father is an indicator of positive masculinity. I do not want to suggest that a man who is not a father cannot exhibit positive masculinity. In fact, men who by circumstance or choice do not become fathers can provide a fatherly like presence to unfathered children, especially boys, through family connections, volunteer programs like Big Brothers, teaching and by coaching sports.
The second question, “What are the roles a responsible father plays as a child matures?” is more complex. Both mothers and fathers need to be aware that as children mature, they require utilizing different parenting strategies. Younger children – below age 6 or 7 – are more likely to respond to direct parental intervention with only limited explanation by parents why they are setting or enforcing rules and expectations. However, as children age, it becomes increasingly important to practice effective communication skills such as active listening and validation. Regular family meetings where children can voice their ideas and feelings give parents the opportunity to negotiate rules and expectations which respects the child without the parent relinquishing their parental authority. Teenagers in particular benefit from family meetings because teens are more likely to question rules that appear to them as arbitrary. When a child participates in the rule setting process, they are less likely to break that rule.
The next question, “Are the best parenting practices the same for mothers and fathers?” has two answers. There are some parenting practices that both parents should follow, and it is crucial that both mothers and fathers are on the same page as far as a philosophy of parenting. There are parenting practices that are more unique to the gender of the parent. Men tend to be more physical with their play behavior. This benefits the child in learning to take prudent risks. Women tend to be more attentive to safety and compassion. A child thrives when both male and female energy is present in their lives.
The fourth question, “How can a father who has been absent resume responsible and involved fathering?” It can be difficult depending on the situation. A lot depends on the reasons for his absence. The amount of time he has been gone, the age of the children and the circumstances surrounding his absence. There are many stories of adult children who barely know their father reconciling their feelings of abandonment and forgiving their father. Some even resume a mutually beneficial adult-to-adult relationship. Overall, the most crucial factors in returning to being an involved parent is for the father to take full responsibility for being absent and to be honest to the children why he was absent. In addition, the returning dad should give the children the space to reconcile their feelings about the loss of a father and his desire to return.
Frankly, the last question is the easiest to answer. “Is a father just living with his children sufficient to being a responsible father?” The answer is no. An uninvolved father is just as damaging as being an absent father. To wear the “I am a proud Dad” t-shirt a man needs to be an involved and responsible father who is an active participant in his children’s journey.
As a society we must honor and instruct men about the importance of responsible fathering and the strategies to be an effective parent. Unfortunately, there is a lack of information provided to younger men and boys about the importance of fathering as an element in being a positive real man.