“I’m not looking for a male role figure for my children – is that wrong?” The answer to this headline in a recent article in the British press is a resounding yes. I have blogged several times about the impact of being unfathered that needs to be repeated with Father’s Day fast approaching.
It is clear how a lack of fathering has contributed to a whole host of societal ills including poverty, crime, violence and school failure. Data from the National Center for Fathering is alarming:
- 90% of children who are homeless, or runaways are fatherless
- 71% of children who are substance abusers are fatherless
- 72% of children who drop out of school are fatherless
- 80% of children in psychiatric facilities are fatherless
- 85% of children in correctional facilities are fatherless
- 85% of incarcerated males were unfathered
- Fatherless children are 9 times more likely to fail in school
- Fatherless children are 11 times more likely to behave vilolently
- Fatherless children are twice as likely to commit suicide
In addition, research suggests that girls who are not fathered, or poorly fathered, are more likely to become pregnant as teenagers and make poorer choices in choosing a male partner and that teen boys are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors when there is an adult male, preferably a father, in their lives. The caveat is that to wear the “I Am a Proud Dad” t-shirt a man needs to be an involved and responsible father who is an active participant in his children’s journey.
Two factors emerge in the growing number of women who by choice decide to be single moms. The first is that many women have come to the conclusion that there are an insufficient number of men who demonstrate the characteristics of being a good husband and father and given current trends this will not change in the near future, if at all. The second is a belief that a single mom, especially if she is financially secure, is capable of raising a successful child without the presence of a man. Furthermore, the media seems to place single moms on a pedestal without mentioning the unintended consequences of viewing all single moms as exceptional. Yes, single moms are capable of raising a successful child but frankly this is the exception not the rule. I am certainly aware that some women are single moms because of abuse and/or desertion by their partner and they must carry the extra burden of being both mother and father to a child. However, given the data on unfathered children being a single mom should be an unintended consequence not a choice.
It is important for single moms to seek out opportunities for their children to be involved with a responsible male who is not their father. An uncle, grandfather or family friend and programs like Big Brothers can offer male mentorship for boys. Find male coaches and teachers who can provide mentorship and validation for both boys and girls. In addition, the media needs to temper its extravagant praise given single moms while also highlighting the benefits of a child being raised in an environment which offers both male and female energy. Lastly, as I have often indicated, we need our boys and young men to redefine their masculinity so that there is a sufficient number of men who women feel would make good partners and fathers.