Many of us needlessly agonize over the decisions we make in our lives. We invest countless hours weighing our options, worrying about the outcomes and beating ourselves up if things did not go as expected.
Myth:
Decisions by their very nature are difficult and require lots of effort.
Fact:
We actually make hundreds of decisions a day with little anxiety. These decisions are taken for granted because they are made almost automatically. To make these decisions we intuitively (gut feeling) assess our options and make a choice. Either the advantages and disadvantages of the choices are fairly clear or we place so little weight on the potential negative consequences of the choices that we easily live with the results.
Example: Picking our clothing for the day, choosing what to eat for breakfast, making driving decisions and choosing options needed to carry out our job descriptions. Even some of life’s bigger decisions like marriage, having a child, changing jobs seem easier to make when it just “feels” right.
Myth:
We think that not making a choice is avoiding a decision. The positive spin on this is called temporizing (buying time). The shadow side of waiting is procrastination – a judgment we place on ourselves that often results in strong negative feelings.
Fact:
Not making a decision is a choice. It is the added option to the possible choices we think that are available to us. If there are three obvious options in a decision, not deciding is option four. Not making a decision has consequences that must be weighed and should always be thought of as an affirmative choice (read decision) despite the fact that it seems passive on the surface. We must also understand that not choosing gives us the illusion that we are in control. By holding on to alternative choices, which is temporarily empowering, it may feel like we are controlling more options. However, the reality is that analyzing variables does not mean that we are in control of them.
Example: You are in a long-term relationship and family and friends keep asking where the two of you are going. You feel that you must decide whether to go to the next level and live together or end it and look for someone who you are certain is the right one. The relationship is good but there are problems between the two of you that have persisted over time. You are in perpetual agony over your “indecisiveness” and are driving everyone around you crazy with your back and forth thinking.
The individual needs to accept that not making a choice whether to live together or break up is an affirmative decision with the consequences of living in uncertainty and putting off the potential of finding a more suitable partner. Asking oneself the question, “What additional data will help me make the choice?” would be helpful. If one decides that more data will be useful, than accepting the status quo as a decision will help dissipate the uncertainty.
Myth:
If I just had more facts I could make a better decision. Therefore, I need to analyze and think through more carefully before I decide.
Fact:
Many of the decisions we agonize over are the ones that are not intuitively clear. They then rise to a more prominent place in our consciousness thereby requiring more effort and thought in making a choice. Our gut tells us that the potential choices seem relatively evenly balanced in terms of pros & cons. After reflection, we either see that one of the options edges out the others or that they really appear to be even. If a choice turns out to have more pros then we go with it. If they are seemingly even then we must accept that it really doesn’t matter which of the choices we make. The reality is that the information that will determine which choice is ultimately the “better” one is simply not available at this time. Therefore, it is an illusion to think that taking more time to acquire additional facts will necessarily improve our choices. The universe changes from moment to moment literally bringing a new set of conditions with each tick of the clock. If we simply wait for more facts we will be perpetually searching. This phenomenon has been called “paralysis by analysis.”
Example: You have come up with two options for your upcoming vacation. One is a Caribbean cruise and the other is a sightseeing adventure in southern France. You draw up two lists and see how both would meet your needs at this time. You agonize back and forth coming up with additions and modifications to your pro & con lists but the two remain even. You start leaning towards the trip to France but then find the fares have gone up considerably during your period of pondering.
Myth:
We believe that there is really a “wrong” decision.
Fact:
In most cases there is no objective way to prove that any decision we made was really the “wrong” one. The reason is that we only get to try out the decision we actually make. The choices that we eliminated were never put into place so we never no how they would have turned out. We cannot be certain that the option we passed on might have proven to be even worse than the one we chose that we are now perceiving as wrong. Scientists use controlled studies to answer these questions. They determine the best case by actually trying different choices on similar populations. In real life we never have this option since we are the only subject in our study.
Furthermore, since there is so much in the universe that we cannot control, the true measure of an individual is how we manage and adapt to changing circumstances. Therefore, we can use those seemingly wrong decisions as an opportunity for personal growth and positive change in our lives. The Chinese symbol for crisis is actually a combination of the symbol for danger next to the symbol representing opportunity.
Example:
A headhunter for a new job has recruited a young woman. It represents a greater salary and career enhancement but potentially less job security. She is reasonably happy in her current position and has not been actively looking for something new. She makes her pro & con list and sees that the unknowns are what will ultimately demonstrate which choice to make. She chooses to seek the new job and is laid off six months later due to downsizing – not her performance. Did she make the wrong decision? The answer is that it is impossible to determine. She could learn that her old company was sold and they re-organized and she might have been out of a job anyway. Furthermore, maybe the experience she gained in the new position might help her secure an even better job in the future. The unknowns are simply unknowable and we must accept this as reality.
Decision Making Tips
1. Unless you really believe that you are destructively impulsive, trust your gut. Your intuition is actually your automatic processor of options that you have accumulated through life experience.
2. It is OK to make your pro and con lists for those decisions that your gut tells you are relatively even. However, set a time limit for making the decision knowing that for the reasons discussed it really doesn’t matter which way you go.
3. Visualize the consequences of your potential decision options, especially the ones you view most negatively, and live in that imagined space. It might better clarify your priorities and help de-catastrophize the results of the worst-case scenario that you are anticipating.
4. Waiting (temporizing or procrastinating) does not really give you more control. Although it feels like you are still juggling the options, life is passing you by and circumstances are changing while your choices are up in the air. However, you may decide that waiting is the best option. If this is the case accept waiting as an affirmative decision with its own set of consequences.
5. Look at the big picture when making one of life’s critical decisions. Ask yourself, “What is my personal vision and which option will help me most effectively achieve that vision?”
6. People around you, professionally and socially, appreciate decision-makers. As long as you are not too overpowering they prefer decisive people rather than those they see as “wishy – washy.”
7. Be realistic in what you think you can control in life. Accepting that the universe is bigger than you, and that many events that impact your life are unpredictable and sometimes inscrutable will help diminish the fear of making a “bad decision.” Our character is often defined by how we behave and manage the unplanned events in our life.
8. Yogi Berra said, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” He was right. We will never know with any degree of certainty what the untaken path would have brought. Choose one path and make the best of it. The journey is what it is all about.