Mankeeping

Another assault on masculinity has emerged called “mankeeping.” According to Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST “Mankeeping is a relatively new term for the often-invisible emotional, relational, and logistical labor that people do to maintain their male partner’s social and emotional lives.” The term was invented by developmental and social psychologist Angelica Ferrara, PhD, to describe the work women do to meet the social and emotional needs of their men.

Kahn continued, “In Western cultures, gendered ideas about care and emotional expression shape what kinds of connections are considered acceptable for men. Men are often socialized to see emotional closeness as feminine, which can make cultivating intimate friendships feel risky or even shameful.”

The conclusion is that many boys grow up without being taught the skills required to build and maintain close relationships. I vehemently disagree with this conclusion. If a man relies too heavily on his wife or female partner and does not reciprocate emotional support, he is simply a poor partner not an example of “mankeeping” and it is up to his partner to hold him accountable and suggest couples counseling. We don’t need a new label and draw an erroneous conclusion that boys and men are incapable of close relationships with other boys and men.

A published research study revealed that, “Despite mean-level differences, there were not gender differences in the functional significance of participating in problem talk and positive engaged responses in that these behaviors predicted increased friendship closeness for both boys and girls.” (Girls’ and Boys’ Problem Talk: Implications for Emotional Closeness in Friendships: National Library of Medicine)

The research, not surprisingly, does reveal that males and females communicate differently in close relationships. Specifically, boys and men use humor more often than women in problem solving with another male. Humor, when expressed without shame, does often lead to diminished anxiety and stress and is stylistically practiced more often among men and tends to be misunderstood by women who witness these interactions.

My personal experience coupled with my work in men’s groups does not support the notion that “mankeeping” is somehow a universal trait of men.  Growing up I relied heavily on my male friends for the ability to express fears and for seeking advice and support. I continue to rely on a few close male relationships often to discuss issues or concerns that I might not be comfortable with sharing with my wife. The problem is not that men are incapable or resistant of emotional closeness with other men. It is a lack of opportunity to be in the company of other men in an environment that is not overly competitive.  As I have previously blogged, there are far fewer opportunities for men to be in the company of other men other than work.  Changing male roles as husbands and fathers coupled with the loss of male only institutions have led to men being isolated from other men which leads to a possible over reliance on their female partners.  As I have said many times we need to encourage and support the formation of men’s groups which provide a safe place for men to share their emotional lives without overburdening their partners.