A recent article about “Looksmaxxers” highlighted another example of the confusion young men are experiencing about connecting with women. Looksmaxxers are individuals—primarily young men—who participate in “looksmaxxing,” a subculture focused on maximizing physical attractiveness through various self-improvement techniques. While some aspects of the movement involve standard grooming and fitness, it is often criticized for its roots in incel (involuntary celibate) communities and its promotion of extreme, sometimes dangerous, physical modifications including hammering facial bones. Simply wanting to be attractive is not a bad thing but going to extremes has become a means of taking control and a fear-based avoidance of the opposite sex that presents as resentfulness and misogyny.
Why are so many young men avoiding relationships with women? Although fear of rejection is often cited as the basis for avoidance dating rejection is nothing new. I and many of my generation in our teenage years agonized about asking a girl for a date. As a young teenager I remember standing in a public phone booth – no privacy at home and pre cell phones – terrified with knees shaking trying to call a girl to ask her out. I finally called and mumbled my request and was told not interested. It hurt but it did not stop me from trying or lead me to hate girls. It appears that today’s teenage and young men retreat into the self-absorption provided by modern media to avoid the potential difficulties of finding a relationship with a female. Pornography, video games, online gambling and self-reinforcing chat rooms provide ample diversion from the realities of connecting with the opposite sex. By retreating from the possibility of rejection, instead of learning to bounce back from disappointment, one loses the resilience to cope with the realities of life’s journey. No wonder so many young men are experiencing serious mental health challenges and why so many young women have given up on dating.
I am somewhat at a loss for finding answers to address the self-absorption problem. In fact, I sense the problem can get worse as young men seek AI companions. An AI avatar will not reject you. It (she) will instead reinforce your isolating self-improvement journey without regard for the consequences. I believe that it is up to the institutions that serve our teens and young adults to create and encourage interventions and activities that promote human to human interactions. In addition, we need to be proactive in helping boys appreciate the best of their masculinity and the importance of real-life relationships.